Tag: pain

CtD ch26

windsurfingthroughhell:

Uhhhh i’m not sure I can talk about this in a coherent fashion but wth I’ll give it a shot. Everything, EVERY SINGLE THING from the second Cassie and Pritkin end up in that security booth is pure pain. Like when he made the decision to switch back, did he know his body wouldn’t have the energy to heal the wound? Probably. He just looks at the injury for a second and decides in that split second to die for Cassie. I mean, damn, Pritkin’s not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but his commitment to Cassie is INSANE. And then, then, he’s dying and he’s still trying to keep her safe?? He knows that if he admits that he can’t heal she won’t leave him, and he can’t look at her and I think it’s partly guilt, because she’s so upset, he didn’t think she’d be so upset, and partly that it hurts way more than he was expecting? Like not the physical pain, but the separation from her, he’s faced with saying goodbye to her and I don’t think he can do it. And don’t even get me started on Cassie’s reaction, the panic, the pleading, the disbelief: “I stared at him, unable to believe this was happening. That he could just disappear, along with everything rich and strange he’d brought into my life. Vanished, like magic.” Listen, I’m not crying, you’re crying. I’m not saying Cassie was in love with Pritkin at that point, because I don’t think she 100% was. But he’s already more than just a friend to her.

The pain continues. I’m honestly surprised Pritkin doesn’t get slapped more often, he’s dying and he tries to use it as a freaking ‘teachable moment,’ like what is wrong with you??? Okay, I know what’s wrong with him, he’s horrendously bad at comforting people because he’s spent the last hundred years actively repressing his own feelings and has such low self-worth that I don’t think he actually realises how badly his death would affect her. “One person is not so important in the scheme of things.” GOOD FUCKING BYE TO MY HEART. And then he’s so gentle with her? He cups her face and wipes away her tears and runs his fingers through her hair??? I love how he seems to like rediscover this forgotten capacity for tenderness with her, I love how when she kisses him to get him to feed, he just kisses her back, he kisses her goodbye, you can’t tell me that he didn’t feel something like love for the first time in decades at that moment. That he didn’t have a bittersweet revelation that he repressed as hard as he could after but never quite managed it. And Cassie’s “I can’t lose you,” that’s a ‘more than friends’ line if ever there was one. UGH what did I do to deserve being battered with these FEELINGS.

The actual sexy stuff is somehow WORSE bcs you’ve got all this reigned-in need and passion on Pritkin’s side and Cassie’s trying so hard to get him to let loose. Her reaction when he says please?? There’s a little streak of dom in our girl. And don’t even get me started on Pritkin calling her ‘Miss Palmer’ during sex (WHY IS THAT SO HOT?? – that’s pretty much my motto for this whole book) and just, the slow, deliberate way he teases her – ugggggh PLEASE. Anyway, this chapter ruined my life, I’m emigrating to the sun.

OK, So I have been a little silent for a while but figured I’d do my somewhat usual call and response to a post.  I’m planning to do another reread soon, and I am sure I will have way more to say, but as we know these post and responses keep me a little on track…

There’s a great deal of angst and so much has changed between Cassie and Pritkin, but I view this a little differently.  I think that both Cassie and Pritkin slip under each others defenses.  Cassie is growing up and collecting friends, lovers and family left and right.  Pritkin is trying to protect an unprotectable Pythia from everyone and anyone.  Between body swaps and time jumps, its all too damn much.  Pritkin is being Pritkin and for him its better to die in service to Cassie than to take a chance with emotions and feelings.  Far easier to die than to live.

As for how he restrains himself and that Cassie isn’t letting him go without a fight, well they are both playing to their strengths.  Would Cassie’s life be easier if one war mage was interchangeable with another-sure.  But Cassie has never taken the easy road.  Of course the craziness has gone to another level, but really even the body swap was going above the previous level of craziness!

 

All right so there’s my opinion, take it leave it argue about it -thats the point of the reread right!

When did No stop mattering when women say it?

We were grabbing a bite of lunch at a small cafe, in a mall, right across from a booth that sold jewelry and where ears could be pierced for a fee. A mother approaches with a little girl of six or seven years old. The little girl is clearly stating that she doesn’t want her ears pierced, that’s she’s afraid of how much it will hurt, that she doesn’t like earrings much in the first place. Her protests, her clear ‘no’ is simply not heard. The mother and two other women, who work the booth, begin chatting and trying to engage the little girl in picking out a pair of earrings. She has to wear a particular kind when the piercing is first done but she could pick out a fun pair for later.

“I don’t want my ears pierced.”

“I don’t want any earrings.”

The three adults glance at each other conspiratorially and now the pressure really begins. She will look so nice, all the other girls she knows wear earrings, the pain isn’t bad.

She, the child, sees what’s coming and starts crying. As the adults up the volume so does she, she’s crying and emitting a low wail at the same time. “I DON’T WANT MY EARS PIERCED.”

Her mother leans down and speaks to her, quietly but strongly, the only words we could hear were ‘… embarrassing me.’

We heard, then, two small screams, when the ears were pierced.

Little children learn early and often that ‘no doesn’t mean no.’

Little children learn early that no one will stand with them, even the two old men looking horrified at the events from the cafeteria.

Little girls learn early and often that their will is not their own.

No means no, yeah, right.

Most often, for kids and others without power, ”no means force.”

from “No Means Force” at Dave Hingsburger’s blog.

This is important. It doesn’t just apply to little girls and other children, though it often begins there.

For the marginalized, our “no’s” are discounted as frivolous protests, rebelliousness, or anger issues, or we don’t know what we’re talking about, or we don’t understand what’s happening.

When “no means force” we become afraid to say no.

(via k-pagination)

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Amy Lane Wounded

We are going to entertain you with a fiction,” He continued, “A faerie tale, a story, something dreamt of dozens of tens of years ago. Imagine my surprise when it turned into…” "A memory.” Cory stepped forward at his right and carried the narrative thread, just as they had rehearsed. “A memorial, a lament, a dirge, a paean…” "An exultation.” Bracken stepped forward carefully avoiding another touch with Cory, but at her other shoulder, “A cleansing, a triumph, a celebration.” "Yes.” Green took up his part now. “All of this and more, because this is a love song for our friend,” "Our lover,” said Cory and Andres.  "Our brother,“ Said Bracken. "Our son,” Said Arturo and Grace. “Our leader,” Said Renny and the vampires as they stepped forward together in a group. “Our beloved,” they all intoned together, and the echoes of their true love for their lost dear one lingered in the room for more than a few heartbeats. “We’re singing for Adrian,” Cory said then, alone, clearly, the heartbreak throbbing in her voice and in her intense, thin face. Her shoulders were bare, and she bore his mark on her back, and it was all Green could do to keep his throat clear for singing. "We will always sing for Adrian,” Cory added bravely, “Even though we hadn’t known he’d missed, and struck the opening chords of an old, old melody that now lay forgotten except in the minds of the fey who had grown up in the old countries and woods of Northern England, Ireland, and Wales. Singing in parts and counterpoint, Green, Bracken and Cory poured their heart into a song he’d written long before he’d left his home, met Adrian, or dreamt of Cory. Corinna and Allen and Graeme, Over the hills they ran A bonny bright girl with a ribbon,  O, two boys as thick as kin. They toddled under the lime tree, O, they toddled under the rose They toddled ‘till sun set, behind the Oak, they toddled from when the sun rose. Corinna why are you crying, O, Over a shirt stained red, Rain will fall and trees will grow And you will find lovers again. O We’re young; there is no time to waste. Corinna and Allen were lovers in fall, Over by yonder rose tree, Graeme came looking for his beloveds And wept at what he did see. Corinna why are you crying O, Over a shirt stained red, Rain will fall and trees will grow And you will find lovers again. Graeme ran like a man possessed He ran like he was followed by hell, He snapped his strong leg in painful two When into a gully he fell. So Graeme sat, with bounded leg When the militia came to town desert We aim to hunt them down. “ Corinna why are you crying O, Over a shirt stained red, Rain will fall and trees will grow And you will find lovers again. Allen came calling in darkest night And begged, "My brother, forgive me. I fed my love and broke your heart And we all can no longer be. But I run away to fight the day That our young men must wear red. I leave Corinna to your care, my friend. “ And with these words he fled. Corinna why are you crying O, Over a shirt stained red, Rain will fall and trees will grow And you will find lovers again. fight. No letter came, no friendly word Til field and moor turned green A spent young man came bearing a burden In which a bloody shirt could be seen. "Corinna, this is from Allen, know Your lover now lies dead. “ "Oh, Graeme, our friend, my life has ended I’ll never love again.” Summer passed and winter too, Corinna sat and wept. Graeme’s leg healed, but not his heart Until his promise then he kept. "Corinna, come stop your crying, O No. Not while the Spring is here. Corinna you must leave your weeping, O Please, beloved, please come. My arms are aching to hold you, know My heart can be your home. “ Corinna and Graeme were married, O As the summer died to fall. Their hearts still ache for Allen, though They love each other as all. And Rain will fall and trees will grow And you will have lovers again… Rain will fall and trees will grow And we will be lovers again. The end of the song was a repeat of the chorus, broken up and sung in passionate roundels. Cory’s voice soared over the chanted refrain of rain will fall, trees will grow, aching with the promise of hope and the heartbreak of loss as Green and Bracken called Corinna back to the land of the living. The fey in the harmony, intertwining, echoing, repeating the pain and the joy of love lost and found. The roundel built, and rose, and the emotion in the room crested, a giant wave of anguish, grief, and rebirth, and as their skin prickled with passion, their power—fed by anger and love and sex and emotion—burgeoned, grew, lifted, moved, heaved the pitch of the room to breathlessness, and everyone on stage raised their wounded wrists and released their bindings, and everyone off stage with a similar wound did the same, and Bracken finally, finally, answered the call of all that freely offered blood.

Amy Lane, Wounded
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“See…we’ve all been wounded.” Goddess, what an understatement. “We’ve all been violated. Me, Adrian, Cory, Renny—hell, even Nicky, and now you. It’s what happens when you’re given great gifts—wonderful, amazing, beautiful gifts. Great buggering git asshole fuckheads always want to steal those gifts for themselves. Being wounded means you held on, that’s all. Being wounded means you can heal. If we live long enough with these gifts, and we’re not wounded, it means we’re probably like Mist and Morana and Sezan and Goshawk and hell, even Titania and Oberon, although I didn’t know either of them more than to give them the best fuck available at court, right? If we’re not capable of being hurt, then we’re not good enough people to deserve the Goddess’s gifts in the first place. If you don’t know that you have something to lose, then maybe you deserve to lose it, and Blessed Father, Holy Mother, Beloved Son, all of us know what we have to lose, because we’ve all lost it at one time or another and none of us wants to feel that pain again…” And then he couldn’t speak anymore, because Bracken, who didn’t want to be touched, had pulled Green into his arms, and every vow Green had made not to weep anymore for his lost freedom and violated faith fell at his feet with his brother’s tears. Both of them held there, still, clenched together so tightly their muscles ached. And they held, and held, and held, until they could breathe freely and look clearly and know that neither of them would be weeping soon again. With an unspoken word, they both pulled back and resumed their human male posture on the couch, the screen.

Wounded. Amy Lane
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Oh, Adrian. You bastard—you were supposed to be immortal. How could you leave me alone like this? The pain was devastating, obliterating, too huge to even contemplate, and yet it was there, crushing the breath out of my chest. I inhaled on purpose, and my very breath hurt. I screamed, sobbed, felt that amputated link between us, and knew that Adrian wouldn’t be there and never would again.

Amy Lane, Vulnerable (Little Goddess #1)
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slightlybitchyclairvoyant:

Cassie Palmer Appreciation Week – Favorite Relationship

Cassie and Billy Joe

I call Billy Joe my guardian spirit, but that isn’t entirely accurate. He’s more of a pain in the ass who occasionally turns out to be useful

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And my thoughts fractured, the room spun, and I came with a sound of pure desperation. Which, in retrospect, probably wasn’t the best idea when you live with a bunch of sensorially gifted creatures. Who, it seemed, couldn’t tell the difference between a cry of passion and a cry of pain. As was demonstrated when the bedroom door suddenly blew off its hinges and Louis-Cesare flew backward and disappeared. Leaving me blinking in confusion at the new, vampire-shaped hole in my dresser. And my closet. And my wall. Which were less noticeable than you might think with an eight- dozen or so blond-haired fey swarming into the room through the door looked at both of us. And then a slight tinge of amethyst slowly suffused the delicate scales covering the beast’s cheekbones as it took in my lack of clothes—and blood and gore and missing limbs. “Oops?” it said gruffly, before melting back into my very embarrassed redheaded roommate. I snatched my robe closed and plunged through my destroyed furniture and fluttering bits of wallpaper, into a closet that was now a wreck of plaster and hanging two-by-fours. And found that, yes, the hole did go completely through the house. Parts of my wardrobe were scattered all over the side lawn, with most of my bras for some reason decorating the neighbor’s fence. But that was better than what had happened to my boyfriend, who had ended up— Oh, shit.“Dory, what—oh,” Claire said in a small voice, coming to stand beside me. Being two stories up, we had a perfect view of the car that had just pulled into the grassy drive along the side of the house, probably because it couldn’t fit anywhere else since it was a stretch limo. A stretch limo that now had a naked vampire sticking out of the ruined windshield, firmly wedged between the wipers and the mirror. Right in front of a driver whose usual icy sangfroid had been shattered by an up-close-and-personal view of the world’s greatest ass. At least it can’t get any worse , I thought, and then three more vamps piled out of the backseat. And came around the car. And looked at Louis-Cesare, who was ignoring them in favor of staring up at me, an unreadable expression on his face. “Should I apologize?” Claire asked, sounding worried. “That…probably wouldn’t be the best idea right now,” I said calmly, looking down at two Senate members and a senator’s to explain an underwear-strewn yard and a naked master vampire, when the brother looked up. “Oh, they do this sort of thing all the time,” he said, responding to some question I hadn’t heard. He shaded his eyes, and then a smile broke out over his handsome features. “Oh, there you are. Hello, Dory!” He waved. The other vampires turned to look at me, and I gave up. I went back into the bedroom, which had miraculously cleared of fey. Except for the one behind me, biting her lip. “Dory—” “It’s okay.” “But the room—” “It’s fine.” “And your clothes—” “I’ll get them later.”

Fury’s Kiss,Karen Chance, Dorina and Claire
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expected. He pulled me away from the fridge, bent me over the marble-topped island and dug his fingers into the tense muscles of my back. I groaned. He started at the base of my spine, teasing out the knots as skillfully as if he’d done it a dozen times before. My body recognized the coarseness of familiar calluses, and a heavy warmth spread through me. He paused to tug the T-shirt off over my head, and I didn’t resist. When he reached my shoulders, which had been tight long before I leaned into the strokes involuntarily, head rolling back as he kneaded away at the tension knotted around the base of my skull. By the time he finished, the pain was gone, although it was possible that I’d fallen madly, irreversibly in love with Louis-Cesare’s hands. I might have said something to the effect, because he chuckled and brushed his lips over the back of my neck, meltingly warm.

Dorina, Death’s Mistress, Karen Chance
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Day 01 – Best book you read last year

dawnawakening:

After much deliberation (lying on my bed staring at the ceiling for 10 minutes) I have chosen the Phedre Trilogy from Jacqueline Carey’s Kushiel’s Legacy. Yes, I know that it’s three books but if you read them all one after the other, like I did, then they count as one. Logic.

Carey has created a world in these books that seems so real and rich in back story that you’re sure there should be history books out there about the land of Terre D’Ange. The characters that she created are equally rich in personal history and beautifully crafted in such a way that you can care for even the most hateful villian.

The trilogy follows Phedre from an unwanted orphan to the savior of her home lands that are poised on the edge of war. All along the way friendships are made and broken, relationships are kindled and put out, enemies are created and cut down.

The characters in these books quickly became some of my all time favourites, not only for their strengths but for their multitudes of weaknesses as well. (I may be 100% in love with Josceline Verreuil)

Disclaimer: These aren’t bed time stories to read to your kids. The whole axis that this epic tale revolves around is the fact that Phedre is marked by the angel Kushiel meaning that she finds pleasure in pain. Get where this is going? 50 Shades ain’t got nothing on these books. But know that Carey uses this element in her stories as a means to an end, a tool for Phedre to use to her advantage, not as the central focus.

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Touch the Dark Part 5 Around timeline anomaly 1

When Louis-Cesar grabs Tomas while Cassie’s spirit is in charge, Cassie barely has time to realize that a vision is coming before she is thrown back through time.  When she arrives at Carcassonne, this time she is a spirit and Tomas has come along for the ride.  Its a little later this time and they arrive in the torture chamber.  This trip she hears the screams more clearly and there are thousands of them.  Since she is a spirit she recognizes the thousands of ghosts crying for vengeance.  They have made the corridor ice cold and the hallway is covered in a miasma of spirits,  Never before has she felt so many ghosts in 1 place at 1 time and the spiritual mist fills the halls air to the point of suffocation. “It was despair made tangible, like a film of freezing grease on my face that ran down my throat until I thought I would choke on it. This time I was alone and, without the bully of a jailer to distract me, I could concentrate on the voices. Slowly they became a little clearer. I quickly wished they hadn’t.“  There was a feeling of intelligence, of many minds and so much rage that Cassie wonders at first if it is demonic, but she quickly realizes that its just ghosts.  Ghosts typically haunt for three reasons-they died before their time, they died unjustly (which sometimes means murder), or they died leaving something unfinished.  Of course, ghosts are left by people and so there are always lots of complicating factors, making every ghost as unique as the person they were.  What Cassie was feeling was thousands of ghosts with all three issues and all the minor complicating ones that could be imagined.  If there were psychiatrists for ghosts…but there aren’t psychiatrists for ghosts.  All there is is revenge and it plays out with the ghost getting satisfaction, payback or hanging around lusting for vengeance until its energy runs out.  Most fade until only their voices remain, but here Cassie can feel so many ghosts-some almost out of juice, some just made.  The implication was beyond staggering-this spot had been used for torture for centuries creating so much dark energy that even the most nonsensitive person would feel the chill.  

Cassie looks around but she’s a little scared.  Her visions have always been predictable.  She sees things that are going to happen and they hit her like a freight train, she cries, she moves on.  But now the universe has changed the rules and no one told her.  A cold wind hits Cassie as the ghosts are getting restless.  She asks them what they want, but letting the spirits know she can hear and feel them was like hitting a hornet’s nest with a stick.  Suddenly, she is inundated with flashes of color, flickers of images and the wind picks up in the hall and its like she is in the middle of a hurricane.  She backs away and falls against the wall, realizing that she is in spirit and in the right body.  She recognizes the torture chamber but she is alone except for the torture victims who don’t seem to notice her.  She is there in spirit and in body, and its different.  The witch Cassie just freed at the casino is laying on the torture rack but she is not burned yet.  She looks behind her and sees the thousands of ghosts, standing quietly but there isn’t enough physical space for thousands of people.  Cassie is surprised to see the witch looking a her and says that she doesn’t know what to do.  The witch tried to speak to her but no sound comes out.  Someone hands Cassie a dipper of water but it is gross.  Cassie says that water is too gross and a voice responds telling her there isn’t anything else. Cassie is so disoriented she doesn’t recognize the voice as Tomas.  Then she does and jumps spilling the water.  Tomas is standing there holding a bucket of green slimy water. Cassie asks him what he is doing here.  Tomas tells her that he was in his body and she took control of his body and then he was here.  He asks her where here is and if that is Francoise.  Cassie looks at the bucket and realizes he shouldn’t be able to have a bucket.  She asks him where he got it and he says it was in the corner.  Cassie decides to screw the metaphysics and just goes with it.  If Tomas can move the bucket, maybe she can change whats about to happen.  Her first priority is to get the witch out of there but she isn’t going to make it without something to drink and is casting longing glances at the slimy bucket.  Tomas tastes the water and says it is another form of torture as it’s 1/3 salt.  Tomas says he will go find water.  Cassie tells him he has to stay here.  Tomas asks what could happen and Cassie considers telling him that ghosts can cannibalize each other.  Most don’t because it just isn’t worth the energy but the rules are changing and she doesn’t have a body to hide behind.  They are foreign spirits on these ghosts ground.  Billy Joe has been mugged before by other spirits because it is easier for spirits to cannabalize each other than to attack humans.  There were several thousand angry ghosts and so far they weren’t being aggressive, but Cassie doesn’t want to chance it.  She tells Tomas he doesn’t want to know and finds herself softening towards him since he seems to be so genuinely concerned about Francoise. And then Cassie begins to worry about Tomas.  Billy Joe is inhabiting Cassie’s body and keeping it alive but Tomas’ body has no spirit to keep it from dying.  But he’s a vampire so he dies every day anyway.  Cassie puts the metaphysics aside and focuses on Francoise.  Cassie focuses on Francoise and tells Tomas to help her get Francoise off the rack.  They try to be as gentle as possible, but the ropes had dug into Francoise’s skin and the blood and tissue had dried over the ropes.  It was almost as if they were flaying her alive again.  Cassie looks for another source of water but all that she sees are men bound in chains and tortured in ways she never imagined.  It is hard to believe they still breathe.  Cassie turns away before she gets sick. Something nudges her elbow and it is a flask floating from the ghosts.  It smells like whisky and maybe that will help with the pain.  Francoise drinks a little and passes out.  Cassie goes to try and free the men, but they are bound by chains.  Cassie asks Tomas if he can break the chains.  He tries, but both he and Cassie are tiring quickly.  Cassie doesn’t know what to do-things look bleak.  She doesn’t know where she is, how she was going to get back, or when the torturer would come back.  When they do get back to Vegas its going to be in the middle of a fight they may or may not be winning.  Even for Cassie its a banner raising bad day!  Tomas tells Cassie that it’s useless-he is weak as a human so if they are going to save the woman they need to do it now. Cassie asks the ghosts if any of them know of a way out of the torture chamber.  The ghosts shuffle around and eventually a young man who looks like a teenage version of Louis-Cesar comes forward and bows to Cassie.  He offers to help using the same phrase Louis-Cesar did “A votre service,mademoiselle.” Cassie looks at Tomas and asks if he speaks French.  Tomas tells her he only knows a few phrases because he is rarely allowed at Senate headquarters.  Cassie asks when French became the language in Las Vegas and Tomas impatiently tells her that the European Senate is headquartered in Paris.  Cassie tells him she didn’t know he was with them and he sullenly tells her there is much she doesn’t know.  Cassie puts aside her confusion and tells the ghosts she does not speak french.  After some shuffling an older man comes forward who was a wine trader and asks if he can help.  Cassie tells him that she doesn’t know what she is doing here or where here is or what they want or how she can help.  He tells her that he too is puzzled.  They are as puzzled as she is.  Cassie and Tomas are spirits like them but not.  He asks if Cassie and Tomas are sent be god in answer to a prayer.  Cassie almost laughs at the thought and tell them no, they aren’t angels.  The younger man babbles in french at the older man and the older man looks shocked.  The younger man fears for his lover’s life that she will die here as they all did.  He said that he cares not if they be from god or the devil as long as they bring hope of salvation.  The older man says that the young man did not really mean it.  Cassie tells him its complicated and that she just wants to save the woman but doesn’t even know where they are.  The man tells her that they are at Carcassonne, hell on earth.  Cassie asks if that is in France and the man looks at her oddly.  Cassie says she just wants to get Francoise out before she is killed and the older man asks if she is here to avenge Francoise’s death.  Cassie loses her temper and says she would rather Francoise not die at all.   Francoise wakes up as the young man and the older man are arguing in french and looks at Cassie with wide eyes.  The older man tells Cassie that even if they help they may only save her for a few days and that is no reason for the rest of them to pass on vengeance.  Cassie loses it again-she’s not there as the angel of death but is there to save this woman.  If they want vengeance they should get it on their own.  The older man tells her that if they could they would stop this place but there is some magic that keeps them from vengeance.  She is a powerful witch-surely she can help and they will then be her slaves.  This is just plain it for Cassie.  She tells them there is no witch here, just your friendly neighborhood clairvoyant and she is getting francoise out of there.  She gets the younger man to lead the out via a tunnel and Tomas carries Francoise.  They get to a cottage and turn Francoise over to Louis-Cesar just as their strength gives out.  The next thing they know Cassie is laying on the ground, but at least she is in the right body and the right time

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